Please Hold For a Misrepresentative

Alicia Stevens

Relationship & Self-Care Associate

​Most people want to make a great first impression, whether it’s to gain employment or to impress a potential romantic interest therefore we tend to make sure we’re approachable, polite, interesting, and tolerable- in other words on our best behavior. The comedian Chris Rock once said, “When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.” Which is basically the version of themselves that’s more appealing and socially acceptable. Whether joking or not, it does have some truth to it.  

​Many times, after the novelty of someone has worn off, you’ll hear their significant other say this is not the person I met. They will go on to describe that the person they met was kind, honest, romantic, did sweet things for them for no reason, etc. As if to say their person had been snatched and somehow replaced with a totally different version. I guarantee you this is not the case.
 
The person you’re seeing in the present has always been there; however, it is quite possible that they were hiding behind a mask, also known as their representative. But as you get to know someone, gradually that mask does slip off to reveal the persons true self. If there are any red flags to be seen, this is the time that they will present themselves.
 
In some instances, the slip of the mask can reveal something harmless. For example, you might find out that your person told a white lie and actually does like horror movies over rom-coms, or they prefer to watch sports on Sunday instead of home makeover shows. These are small misrepresentations of who they are and can sometimes be laughed off. However, what about when what’s underneath the mask isn’t a laughing matter. 
 
Recently, while watching re-runs of the TV show Girlfriends, I came across the episode when one of the main characters, Toni was upset to learn the person she married after only a few months of dating was in huge debt. While confiding in her friend her feelings of hurt and betrayal, she was reminded that they met and married very quickly without really getting to know each other. Also, that betrayal implies malicious intent, and her situation is more of a “you forgot to do your homework” situation. This scenario got me to thinking about misrepresentation in relationships. Is it that people are so good at concealing the undesirable parts about them or are we just not doing our homework?
 
Let’s say for argument sake that there is no way to avoid meeting someone’s representative initially but how can we get past the representative to build a genuine connection rather than waist time with the superficial version.
 
First you should focus on authenticity. Embrace your true self to avoid pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s important to have a clear understanding of who you are in order to attract the realness you seek. It’s also helpful to encourage that in your partner as well. By opening up and being vulnerable, you can create a safe space to receive the same and allow each other to be yourself.
 
Prioritize a deep connection by moving past the shallow conversations and exploring more meaningful topics which highlight your values and beliefs that help shape who you are as a person. When your partner does the same, listen intently to fully understand this person.
 
Listening goes hand and hand with communication which is extremely important when managing expectations. Openly communicate your needs and desires to your partner and listen to theirs as well. No relationship is perfect, but I feel that this creates a checks and balance system because you’re able to identify realistic and unrealistic expectations of each before it becomes an issue.
 
Most important is establishing and respecting boundaries. Always be clear about your comfort levels and what is acceptable for you and what isn’t. It’s also necessary to recognize the restrictions of others.
 
As I mentioned before most people want the first impression to be great and there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s crucial to get past the façade to the real person and see them for who they truly are.
 
This occurs when you spend quality time with a person. I can’t stress the necessity of taking the time to actually date a person enough-, not cohabitate, not co-depend, not reproduce but simply date. Invest time in learning them, how they treat their family, friends, and strangers. What is their emotional intelligence level, how do they deal with conflict, disappointments, are they quick to anger? Ask questions about their childhood, what their relationships with their parents were like then and how are they now. What were the dynamics of their relationships with past partners? The list goes on and on. You may discover that the person you met initially is the real deal but it’s always better to know upfront what you’re getting yourself into. Trust in the fact that knowing this information not only protects you but influences you to practice healthy habits when getting to know people.
 
Be well, be safe💕

Alicia Stevens, BA

Alicia Stevens holds a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology from Hunter College and has worked in Finance for 15+ years.  In her free time,  Alicia has always enjoyed writing. A true believer in the importance of self-care, she has written blog articles that focus on self-esteem, relationships, mental health, and wellness. Alicia is currently working on branching out into freelance work.