When You Come Out Later In Life

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, MSSW

Executive Director

Originally published June 02, 2021. Article has updates.

I remember sitting at home watching a show when I was younger, and I saw a woman. I had seen her plenty of times before, but this time was different. I smiled at her a little harder on this particular day. She was just “really pretty to me”. As years passed, I noticed that I began to have a crush on this pretty woman on TV. I never shared that with my siblings or my parents because I knew based upon the conversations I heard at home; I would get in "trouble" aka beat. It was like that growing up in the deep south. 

The older I got I just fell into the typical like a guy, date a guy and see what happened. However, something always felt like it was missing. It was not until my sophomore in college that I found someone who came close to understanding how I felt, my college roommate. She openly identified as a lesbian and I had so many questions to ask her. However, I remained reserved because I heard the whispers and saw how organizations she desired to be a part of treated her.
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Fast forward years later, I married a cisgender man, had a child and later divorce. I spent years trying to find the part of me that I felt was missing. I thought connecting to one person after the next would bring me closer to the fullness of myself. Of course, I was 100% wrong. It was not until I moved from the deep south that I finally had the confidence and freedom to live in my complete truth.

In the beginning, I felt pressured to call myself a lesbian and then that changed to bisexual. Labels were often forced upon me by the people I dated because it made them feel “uncomfortable” for me to identify outside of how they identified. As I walked the streets of my new surroundings, I began to take notice of all the beauty of the individuals around me. It did not matter to me if they identified as straight, lesbian, bisexual, etc. It was during this period of realization that I knew that gender did not play a role in my attraction towards someone.

One faithful day, I met a wonderful group of people who identified as queer. It was the first time that I felt like I belonged. Through deep conversation and self-reflection, I openly began to identify as a Black Queer Woman. I was in my mid 30’s at this time and sharing with family and friends was a bit of a shock to some. I lost one of my closest friends and disconnected from some associates back home. Despite the loss, I had gained myself and that was who I needed above all.

Honestly, coming out at any age can be difficult, challenging, and rewarding. You wonder if the people closest to you will accept you. You are scared at how many people will throw “their scripture” at you. Then there is a beautiful side of having a wonderful community of people who understand and welcome you. Although this has been a beautiful yet painful journey at times, I did learn some lessons along the way. 

1. Being who you are is more important. For years, I fought or hid who I was out of fear of being demonized by my local community or family. However, the older I got the more I realized that I was wasting valuable years on worrying about others instead of being true to myself. However, I want to add that you want to ensure that you are in a safer space. Emotional and physical safety are just as important as being who you are. So if the space around you presents with challenges to being yourself, seek out safer spaces and people who can better support you. 
2. People will always come and go. After I came out, people came into and left my life. Some of those departures hurt like hell. To be honest, that is the nature and course of life. People come and go. Just remember that one person leaving your life does not prevent someone else from entering your life. This is how you find your chosen family. 
3. Do what feels right for you. From the first woman I asked out on a date to the man that I proposed to, I have always done what felt right for me. Everyone’s journey is different. I have never felt a freedom like I do now. It really boils down to feeling open to be myself unapologetically. Coming out takes courage so take your time and don’t feel pressured by the world to do so. Do it when you are ready.
4. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Some people may want details on how and why and who. Remember, this is a very personal journey, and you do not owe anyone an explanation regarding why you are choosing to live your truth at this time. Set boundaries with people and let them know early on that you life is not up for discussion with them. There may be some conversations that are unavoidable. In these cases, prepare yourself as much as possible and have a support system or at least one person you can debrief with afterwards. Everyone responses to change differently. For me, some folks were like "Oh okay, not a big deal" while others at conversations about me during holiday meals. You can never be fully prepared but whether it is a conversation, no conversation, or no contact prepare find support to help you though those tough moments.  
5. Its never to late. When people come out later in life, we tend to get people questioning who we are or asking, “why now”? The real question is “Why not now?” You have every right to let the world know who you are at the age of 42, 56 or 65. Its your life and oversee its direction. Sometimes it takes us a little longer to be open with ourselves and it may not always be easy. Regardless of the time it takes for you to get there, I am beyond proud that you have found your way.

As we celebrate Pride, I just want to acknowledge everyone who took a little bit longer to get here. I see you. Happy Pride Family!
 
Laqwanda 

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, MSSW

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