Battling Anxiety As a Struggling Black Woman

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley

Executive Director

​The torture begins at 7:00 AM. My eyes open already tearful from the pounding in my chest. I can barely breath and my body becomes confused on whether I am having an asthma attack or a panic attack. It doesn’t take long to realize its anxiety. 

I’ve managed PTSD for years now. And I would like to say that it has gotten easier for me but that would be a huge lie. It’s a constant game of mental survivor. Always wondering which thought is going to kick me off the island of emotional stability.

There isn’t a day on this earth that goes by that I don’t think I’m about to die. And its not the “everybody is going to die one day” thought. It’s the “Oh my god that truck is driving too fast behind me, if the person in front of me breaks and the person next to me doesn’t move 2 lanes over and this person on the left slows down then I’m going to die” thought.

It’s the “my daughter is going to die because she walked into Panda Express without me and I can’t see her” type of thought.

It’s the “there are going to be too many people and I can’t watch them all and someone might try to hurt everyone” type of thought.

It’s the “if I go for a walk someone will kidnap me and kill me” type of thought.
It’s the “only safe place is inside the house” type of thought.

They don’t stop. They will not go away. Any time I go outside, I am screaming on the inside. I have to ask people around me not to hug me, so I’m not further triggered. I have to know where all the exits are in a building and if it gets too crowded, I have to leave. I almost had a complete breakdown in Ikea because I couldn’t calmly find my way out.

With the holiday season approaching, stores add more stuff, it’s great for shopping. However, for me, it feels like the walls are closing in. Every aisle begins to feel like a tunnel closing in. I don’t get to enjoy seeing holiday things with pleasure. I have to force myself to go out, so I don’t trap others in the mad house of a mind.

Hopping on a plane to just get away isn’t even on the table anymore. I am terrified of flying now. From the moment I am sitting outside the gate, my mind is telling me every way that plane could and would crash. I’ve had to have strangers hold my hand and play music for me to help me make it through flights.

Being by myself all the time can trigger a depressive episode, but being around too many people causes me to implode and its torture. I would not be able to work if it was not for the ability to work remotely. Having constant thoughts about dying is exhausting. Experiencing anxiety everyday is exhausting. And forcing myself to move when all I want to do is hide is a form of torture that I will never be able to effectively put into words.

It’s the instant self-criticism because I cannot do IT and I don’t want to do IT but
I’m forcing myself to do IT and it’s all killing me slowly emotionally to do IT.

It’s people seeing me daily not knowing that I am literally dying in front of them.

It's emotionally drowning and breathing and crying and screaming and exploding internally while the smile on my face is either cracking or fading away.  Ironically, at 10:00PM on the nights that I can fall asleep without waking up it ends. But at 7:00AM the torture begins again.

No one ever hears my scream. Yet they become upset when I can’t hear theirs. Then reality hits me. You can spend your entire life focused on the wellbeing of others. But when the day is done all you have are dolls, a crochet hook, anime(subs only), and the willingness to say what others are afraid to say out loud to keep you a float.  
 
 
 
 

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley

​With over 17 years of experience in the field of mental health, Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley is the Executive Director/Chief Program & Strategy Officer for Healing Black Women, Inc She is a Reiki Master, Certified Life Coach, and holds a Master of Science in Social Work. She has served in positions such as Coordinator of Diverse Students’ Mental Health and Wellness for a university, Director of Outreach for the national office of Mental Health America, Therapist, and on the Board of Directors for NAMI Northern Virginia as well as RPSV, Inc. She is an established public speaker/mental health advocate and has collaborated with organizations such as Human Rights Campaign and Eventbrite. She utilizes her personal experiences as a suicide attempt survivor and individual who manages Bipolar I Disorder and PTSD to promote mental & holistic wellness.