Dating Is Not Your Therapy

Alicia Stevens, BA

Relationship & Self-Care Associate 

​The end of a relationship can be painful especially if it was a bad breakup.  We’ve all been there, your mind is completely bombarded with thoughts of them, you go back and forth between the good and bad times, you think about calling them or may even stalk their social media. 

​Most people try to cope with the grief by jumping back into the dating scene. Using dating to get over a breakup might become detrimental to your healing. Taking the time to process the emotions and lessons that come with a breakup can be therapeutic. Instead of looking outward for attention, this should be a time for self-reflection and discovery. It’s better to let the initial hurt subside before you engage in anything with someone new whether casual or otherwise and end up getting hurt or hurting someone else.
 
There are signs that let us know that we might not be in the right space to begin dating.  For example, you’re still emotional about your recent breakup, you may become triggered by something your new companion might say or do, you compare new prospects to your ex or you feel pressured to date.
 
The pressure to date again is real but sometimes it is internal. After being in a serious relationship, you become accustomed to having someone around and the feeling of being single again which can be scary. This fear may force you to feel that a replacement is needed sooner than later to fill that void. Big Mistake!
 
Being in a relationship might not provide you with the healing you are seeking. We want to avoid the “seat filler” route and discover other things you can do to heal. This is a great time to do things that make you feel more like yourself. Prioritizing self-care after a breakup is not only healthy but necessary. Here are some things to consider.
 
First - Spend Some Time Alone. I know this may be hard for many, but when we can’t find joy in time alone, it might become challenging to be happy in the company of others. There is power in solitude. Solitude can promote mental strength and self-awareness which are key to developing a true understanding of who you are.
 
It’s not easy to sit with your thoughts and feelings especially after a breakup. However, it’s critical to the process. By doing so you’re more likely to learn from the experience which can be empowering. There is a certain comfort that comes from turning pain into a gain. Gaining an understanding of who you are will enable you to determine the best quality of life for yourself and prohibit the past from repeating itself.
 
Second - Do Things That Nurture You. Taking care of yourself might be the last thing on your mind after ending a relationship. Some might find it hard to even get out of bed at first. But it’s important to stay uplifted and motivated. Exercising, going for walks or meditation are great ways to cleanse your mind and make space for the good to pour into you. This is your time to reset, recharge and pull your focus to your overall well-ness and not the breakup.
 
Third - Do Something That Restores Joy Back Into Your Life. After a breakup you may feel like you’ll never laugh and joke again which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s beneficial to the healing process to surround yourself with things and people that have a positive influence on you. This can be done by catching up with loved ones, getting a massage, taking a trip or engaging in any hobbies you may have. This reminds you that even though life at times can be hard there is still plenty of happiness to experience. Laughter is always the best medicine so doing anything that genuinely puts a smile on your face is great for you.
 
Finally, Processing Your Feelings. Though this may be a difficult time and you’ll find it hard to talk about the breakup without becoming emotional; expressing your feelings at this time can help you productively manage them. Some ways to process your feelings are by writing down your thoughts, talking to someone in your life that you trust or talking to a therapist. The last approach is a personal one and a road very less traveled. However, speaking from personal experience, talking to a therapist can be very helpful to your healing process and not just after a breakup.
 
Don’t’ get me wrong, dating can be a great experience especially when you’re at your best self. However, immediately after a breakup isn’t that time. This is the time to focus on you because having a healthy relationship with yourself is the foundation for all your other relationships.
 
Let me know in the comments below your self-care process after a breakup. 

Alicia Stevens, BA

Alicia Stevens holds a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology from Hunter College. She has been an Executive Assistant in Finance and in charge of planning the Firm’s social events for the last 10+ years. In her free time, Alicia has always enjoyed writing blogs and short stories. She first started writing in her journals during her childhood as a coping mechanism. Years later, while processing a setback in life, writing became her therapy once again in the form of blogging. She is passionate about self-care and its importance in relationships. As a woman that didn’t always practice self-care, she has come to learn the significance of putting your own oxygen mask on first and wants to stabilize this act for other Black women as well.