Finding Comfort & Contentment in Life After Loss

Tamika Beck 

Grief Support & Relationship Associate

​My grandma used to tell me that darkness makes the light brighter. As I have grown through life, the principles taught to me by my grandmother make so much sense. Like my beloved grandmother, I understand that I am an educator because I have endured hard times. I don’t think anything in life has taught me gratitude like grief. To have and lose in the blink of an eye is a phenomenon that continues to astonish me. My sister’s death broke me. 

We didn’t get a warning; illness wasn’t lurking in the shadows waiting for the chance to whisk her up into the heavens. I was talking to her one minute, she was gone the next, LITERALLY!  In a moment, I went from laughing with her on the phone to a paramedic telling me that she had quietly slipped away.  The days following were confusing, painful, and dark, I am amazed that I survived. There are a few things that contributed to my survival, the most fundamental being the realization that I could choose life or death for myself and my sister.
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“Little by little, we let go of loss but never of love.” Unknown
As difficult as it may be to admit, death is necessary to maintain equilibrium among living things. If dying didn’t occur we wouldn’t appreciate the beauty of living. Because it’s a form of separation that hurts so deeply, we fear death, spending time and money trying to beat it, yet no one has ever gotten out alive. If we’re honest with ourselves it’s not death that terrifies us, it’s the result of it. The loss is what shakes us to the core of our humanness.
 
When a loved one steps back into the spirit realm, the silencing of their voice and the physical disconnection from them is what causes us to grieve. If I told you that there’s a way to maintain a connection with loved ones who have passed on and live a life that’s not controlled by crippling grief, would you believe me? If not, I understand, it has taken years of working with a team of mental health professionals to understand that I have a choice in how I remember and even connect with my deceased loved ones. I can choose to be comforted by memories of the life that they lived or I can be haunted by their death.
 
One of the reasons that death becomes the focal point of a person’s entire existence and seems to overshadow the life they lived boils down to how we choose to remember them. Because Lavon’s passing was sudden, for the longest time, I couldn’t move past the fact that she died. I was sinking into a place where her death was becoming the only thing, I could remember about her. A single event was taking precedence over a lifetime of memory-making moments.
 
Dying is just an occurrence that takes place on a person’s journey in the physical world. Grieving is normal and necessary for healing; it is love’s cry of gratefulness for being allowed to share time and space with another. Spiritually, I know that life doesn’t stop, death isn’t the end, it’s a transitional return to the true essence of who we are.

“I will learn to live in the sunshine of your life instead of the dark shadow of your death.”~Unknown
When I realized that Lavon wasn’t just my big sister and mama’s right hand, but a singular lifetime occurrence, my grieving began to merge with gratitude.   As much as I would love to be able to pick the phone up and chat with her, I understand the choosing how and when she would depart from the earth wasn’t my call to make.  I believe that we have gotten so comfortable with the people in our lives that we take them for granted, distorting our view of them. Imagine how the world would change if everyone understood that the relationships, interactions, and encounters that we have with others are just as unique as the person themselves.
 
Maybe the times that cause us to hurt wouldn’t be so damaging and the moments that create memories would be more cherished.  I encourage you to be curious enough to take a deeper look at the ones around you, stop looking at them as just another person that occupies a body, and see them for who they are, a human phenomenon. Spend time being fully present with them, developing authentic connections, and participate in the writing of stories that will someday give voice to narratives that have the ability to heal. As you open yourself up to others, you will find that you too are a once in a lifetime wonder.
 
Unfortunately, there’s no definitive cure for grief, closure is a myth, but the ability to find comfort is a potential reality. With a willingness to recover, the ability to find contentment in life after loss is possible. I think of who I am now in comparison to who I was in the early days of my sister’s passing; I am in awe of the woman I have become. In my wildest dreams, I couldn’t envision being this stable and full of expectation. Life can be unpredictable, what I can guarantee you is this, when we take the time to live in faith and not ruled by fear of the unknown; in between all the ups and downs, we can curate an unshakable truth in knowing that life and love are continuous.
 
“Grief never ends. But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It’s the price of love.” ~Unknown

Tamika Beck 

Tamika Beck, a Blogger, Social Media Influencer, aspiring Wellness Coach/Meditation Practitioner, and Healing Advocate, shares her story of hurt, loss, and healing in an effort to encourage others to begin their journey. Her role as a mentor began with her being a voice for women living with reproductive illnesses like Endometriosis, where she created Periods Should (K)not Be Painful, defying the archaic belief that period pain(intense) is normal. In the midst of working to give visibility to plight of women who are made to feel invisible, Tamika’s life was impacted by the crippling devastation of grief due to the sudden passing of her sister. As a result and due to her own work of healing, her focus shifted. While advocating for the improvement in women’s health, will always be something she works for and towards, creating a space that encourages healing, freedom in spirituality, lasting friendships, and mindful wellness is the passion that fuels her purpose. Because of her own healing experiences, she is able to be a voice for the silent and silenced, showing others who are living under the heaviness of illness, grief, and fear, the life-changing benefits of seeking help to heal. She can be found on social media and her blog as Mika Major where she tells women, “because I’ve been through it, I can help you get through it. IG: @Healing_Planted