How To Live & Thrive As An Infertile Woman

Tamika Beck 

Support Group Coordinator 

With this month being Women's History Month, there are a lot of conversations being had about the plight and the power of women. Yet, there is one conversation that continues to be discussed in hushed tones, infertility. As very young girls, we have been taught that our worth is measured by our ability to marry and have babies, there are so many reasons why this narrative is damaging. As black women, we are the descendants of the women who had their choices made for them and their life paths mapped out before they could walk. ​

A woman’s worth is not dependent upon her relationship status nor her ability to conceive.  I am no stranger to the question, “when are you going to have some kids?’ As if not doing so excluded me from an exclusive club. While this type of third degree is cumbersome, it is important to note that most times, this question comes from a place of assumption and a mindset that is ingrained in archaic ideals. 

Infertility, whether it be primary or secondary, is a condition that many women face, it could be due to illnesses like PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Endometriosis, or other Reproductive alignments; whatever the cause, infertility is not a woman’s identity. What defines a woman, is the woman herself. As women, we are so much more than what we have been taught to believe about ourselves. The narrative that says our worth is tied to reproduction has to be silenced.

As a woman who lives with Primary Infertility, I understand the struggles of working to be seen separate from having babies. For most of my life, I lived under the microscope of suspicion and speculation, taught that what comes from my womb is more important than the vessel that housed it. However, I learned through the ups and downs of life, that I am worthy simply because I exist. Yes, being a mom is a role that I am grateful to hold, especially because it didn’t come to me easily but it is just that, a role. When I learned to value who I am over all else, I was able to find a way to happily live and thrive in life while being infertile. 

Understand, this level of self acceptance, love, and awareness didn’t happen overnight. It is the result of tear stained pillows, days of feeling like less of a woman, years of therapy, and a deep desire to feel at home within myself. I had to make some choices, either I was going to live with self-hatred for the rest of my life or I was going to embrace all of who I am. By looking at how I had accepted the belief that getting pregnant and giving birth was the only way that I could be worthy of being a woman, I was able to dismantle those thoughts and establish a mindset that helped me heal my relationship with my body. 

Infertility has taught me so much about myself with the most important lesson being, to courageously live in all of who I am. It takes bravery to not shrink because you are different, to securely move through life with confidence, knowing that by society’s standards, you are deemed abnormal. When a woman lives with infertility, she does so with feelings of loss and otherness. I had to make a choice, I could let the grief of infertility consume me or I could make peace with it. 

My goal is to be a voice of reassurance, reminding women that their inability to conceive doesn’t resign them to being inferior. I am proof that infertility is not your identity.

Tamika Beck

Tamika Major is a Certified Life Coach, Accredited Mediation Practitioner, and Small Business Owner of Momentz by Mika and Mika Major Media.  My entire existence was devastated by the sudden passing of my older sister. The grief and darkness that I encountered changed my life in so many ways. As a Healer, I use my stories of hurt, loss, and growth as tools of empowerment. My passion is to teach others who are living under the heaviness of illness, grief, and fear, the life-changing benefits of choosing to heal. Instagram: @Accepting_the_after