HOW TO STAY SANE WHILE CO-PARENTING WITH YOUR TOXIC EX

Alicia Stevens, BA

Self-Care & Relationship Associate

​Parenting comes with no shortness of rewards and difficulties. However, when you have to co-parent with a toxic or abusive ex things can go to levels that are unimaginable. I have seen firsthand situations involving harassment, court proceedings, emotional and mental abuse as well as parental alienation which can make co-parenting a living hell. However, even with these straining factors there are healthy ways to co-parent that will help maintain your mental wellness and create a safe space for your child which is most important. 

​Making the decision to separate as a family can be tough, but it’s important to remember that while co-parenting you must put your feelings aside in order to take care of the child’s needs. Changes to a child’s home life can affect them severely and it’s the parent’s responsibility to make this transition as seamless as possible. Of course, a drama free environment would be ideal but when dealing with someone who makes this difficult at every turn most people implement the parallel parenting method. This basically means that the parents communicate solely about the child and only when necessary. It may sound like a cold and harsh way to interact with someone you share a family with, however in some situations it’s warranted.
 
At times it may feel like you’re fighting a never-ending battle but there are techniques that can help alleviate some of the stress that comes with co-parenting with a toxic ex. There may still be instances where conflict is unavoidable but stay the course and remember your goal is to provide the best environment for your child.
 
Setting boundaries is essential in maintaining self-care while co-parenting with a toxic ex. The trick is to keep it simple and get straight to the point. You and your ex aren’t in a romantic relationship anymore so there’s no need for unnecessary pleasantries. It’s important to have a clear understanding of what’s allowed and what isn’t. Think of it as discussing business. This approach allows the focus to be kept on raising the child and eliminates the space to bring up unrelated topics that can lead to conflict.
 
Prioritizing some “me” time is important while dealing with any stressful situation whether it be work or parenting.  Utilize those days when the child is with your ex wisely. Setting aside time just for you can help clear your mind and release negative tension. It can be anything from getting a massage, catching up with friends or binge watching your favorite television show. Whatever positively takes your mind off your troubles is key.
 
Refrain from talking about your ex negatively especially in the presence of your child. In addition to this being inappropriate it also puts your child in a position to feel that they may have to choose between parents and cause alienation between your child and their other parent. This behavior can cause conflict and acting out while in the care of the other parent and cause further drama between you and your ex. Creating this type of environment can also put severe emotional stress on your child and damage their transition altogether.
 
Maintaining consistency is important to anyone’s lifestyle, especially children. Once there has been some changes to the household it is beneficial for them to keep as close to the same routine and schedule they’ve always had. This helps to maintain some sort of normalcy in their life. Even if the other parent doesn’t match your efforts, it’s important that when they’re in your care that you enforce the same rules and regulations they’re accustomed to having as this structure is crucial to their well-being and development at this stage in their life.
 
Recently I had a conversation about this topic with a friend who had similar experiences with her ex while co-parenting. One thing she said worked for her was learning to respond to her ex as  opposed to reacting. She found that reacting only prolonged the conflict with her ex as he used this as a way to draw her into drama and him instead of keeping the focus on the children. It’s how toxic people keep you tied to them emotionally. However, by simple responding and only with information that is needed to know you create a safe space for yourself and maintain the peace needed to raise a child mentally and emotionally.
 
Co-parenting with anyone comes with compromise, sacrifice and patience all in the name of love for your child. Relationships may come and go but the ones you must have for the sake of your child should be handled with care. Sure, at times it may be a battle but always remember who and what is at stake. Your children are watching and it’s your job to lead by example, and to provide them with the skills and capabilities that they will one day pass down to their own children.
 
Be well
 

Alicia Stevens, BA

Alicia Stevens holds a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology from Hunter College. She has been an Executive Assistant in Finance and in charge of planning the Firm’s social events for the last 10+ years. In her free time, Alicia has always enjoyed writing blogs and short stories. She first started writing in her journals during her childhood as a coping mechanism. Years later, while processing a setback in life, writing became her therapy once again in the form of blogging. She is passionate about self-care and its importance in relationships. As a woman that didn’t always practice self-care, she has come to learn the significance of putting your own oxygen mask on first and wants to stabilize this act for other Black women as well. ​