Making Things Right When YOU Are The Toxic One

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley

Executive Director

​So you are the toxic one, the problem, the reason why all the shi* that happened, happened. In other words, it’s your fault. It’s all on you and now you are wondering how do I fix this mess that I have created. Well let’s try to navigate through the situation as generally as possible with some possible acknowledgements. 

First, we have to acknowledge your current emotional and mental state. Are you in the better position right now to have these discussions? Are there things that you need to discuss with your support group or even a professional? Do you have space for yourself when things get hot and heavy once communication with the other individual begins?

​Even if your actions lead to the situation, you still need a space (outside of the other individual) to share and talk about things. The other person cannot serve as your emotional backup plan here. Connect with that friend group or that professional, even if you don’t like what they might be saying right now.

Second, we have to acknowledge that you may have completely lost access to the person you hurt. Sometimes when a person tells you they are done. They are completely done. This means that person’s block and ghosting game is elite. Ain’t no spinning the block concerning them. The opportunity to be in this person’s life could have been a one and done type of situation. They gave you one opportunity, you messed it up so now they are done with everything. This just might have to be that tough lesson learned.   

Third, we have to acknowledge the reasoning behind wanting to fix things. Are you upset because you got caught? Did someone find out your secret? Is there something you will gain from squashing things with this person? What is your why? Is your why “you” focused, or does it also involve the other party? Are you just trying to save face? We could add other questions to this list, but this might be a good starting point.

Fourth, we have to acknowledge it might be best to leave well enough alone. Is this a situation where you both are better off not having any further communication? Are you causing more harm by reaching out or attempting to reach out? Maybe, you need to start your process of letting go as well. And yes, folks who mess up go through a letting go process.

Fifth and final thing we have to acknowledge is when we cause someone harm it could impact them for a lifetime. There is no time limit for the other person to get “over it”. Their experience with you could very much be their trauma or their gateway to years of therapy. At this point, you can’t hide in a corner. You just have to figure out who you want to be moving forward.

Bonus…..Just because you apologize doesn’t mean the other person has to accept it. You and your actions or lack of action put them in the situation so yeah…..

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley

With over 17 years of experience in the field of mental health, Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley is the Executive Director/Chief Program & Strategy Officer for Healing Black Women, Inc She is a Reiki Master, Certified Life Coach, and holds a Master of Science in Social Work. She has served in positions such as Coordinator of Diverse Students’ Mental Health and Wellness for a university, Director of Outreach for the national office of Mental Health America, Therapist, and on the Board of Directors for NAMI Northern Virginia as well as RPSV, Inc. She is an established public speaker/mental health advocate and has collaborated with organizations such as Human Rights Campaign and Eventbrite. She utilizes her personal experiences as a suicide attempt survivor and individual who manages Bipolar I Disorder and PTSD to promote mental & holistic wellness.