Realigning Your Mental Health After Becoming F.N.F. (Part 1)

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, LMSW

Executive Director

NOTE: This is part 1 of our discussion. Link to part 2 is below. 
LET’S GO!!!!!
 
Whether you are ending things with a long-term partner, situationship, or sneaky link, the time immediately after you let that shit go can be both exciting and painful. Don’t get me wrong, the relief that comes with removing someone toxic from your life is an amazing feeling. 

Its understanding that you no longer have to wake up stressed out over stuff that you don’t have the time or energy for. It is knowing you don’t have to worry about someone being unfaithful simply because you don’t have anyone there to disrespect your heart. So yes friend, you have earned the right to turn that music up, stand in the middle of your friends, and scream “LET’S GO!” to the top of your lungs.

​Now with that being said, I gotta turn into an “Auntie” for a little bit. This time is exciting for you but I also do not want to simply act like none of this process hurts you. Losing a connection can sometimes place you in the position where you may beat yourself up for not realizing things sooner. You might also begin to question your ability to establish healthy connections. I just want you to understand that all of that is natural and completely understandable. If you find yourself dropping some tears after becoming F.N.F., here are some things that have been helpful for me and others in the past.
 
1. EVALUATE BOUNDARIES 

I am going to be honest here. So if you cannot handle this, stop reading now. I love you but you gotta stop answering that phone and responding to those text messages. I get it. You want to share a piece of your mind. You want to let the person know how f*cked up what they did to you was. However, sometimes you really got to cut them folks completely off. Cutting someone off, does not mean you have lost all avenues to vent and share how you feel.

You can say how you feel to a person WITHOUT giving them all of your attention and/or energy. In other words, say what you got to say to the person and leave them alone! As messed up as what I am about to say may sound, some people only want to keep talking to you after you let them go, simply so they can make THEMSELVES feel better. They know they lied. They know they were grimy. But if they can get you to come to peace with them, then it makes them feel better. Them folks are not concerned about your feelings. LEAVE THEM ALONE!
 
2. VENT 

People handle things differently. Some folks are quiet when they exit a situation and others will air you the f*ck out on social media. I am not here to debate which one you should do. I am also not the one to tell you that you are right or wrong for what you say or don’t say. What I will say is this, venting is healthy. This is your hurt or happiness that you lived. You have the right to share your hurt/trauma the way you choose to do so. Cause baby, this dude f*cked me over so bad one time that I created an entire blog to document my journey back in the day. My OG’s remember “The Emotional Detox”…lol

People are going to tell you to forget it. People are going to tell you that you knew what you were getting into. People are going to place more blame on you than they are on the person who f*cked you up emotionally. However, if BEYONCE GISELLE KNOWLES can do an album letting us know she had to deal with “Becky with the good hair”, writing that Facebook post, recording that TikTok, or sharing those cryptic inspirational posts on Instagram isn’t going to shut down the world. 

3. ARE YOU IMPULSIVE 

If you know someone who stopped reading at number 2, bring them back cause this is important. I need you to be honest with yourself. Are you impulsive? Do you find yourself doing things without thinking about them clearly first? Now, I told you it was perfectly healthy for you to vent. HOWEVER, venting and being impulsive can equal toxic. We can get so upset at times that we are overwhelmed with emotions, and we just respond. Responding is not always the answer.

And choosing not to respond does not mean that you are letting sh*t slide. Not responding when you know you have a history of impulsive behaviors, can provide you with an opportunity to process things effectively. If you are having difficulty with this, call one of your friends and read it to them. Ask yourself, do you have to post it now? Can it wait until tomorrow? Why does it have to be now? If you are finding yourself about to post stuff that might get you banned on social media, it might be time to pick up a journal and write. 

4. GOING BACK TO THE STREETS 
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Going back to the streets after leaving a situation is exciting but it can also be too much too soon. I get it, you want to get your back blown out. But can you really handle that right now? And yes, we know you can probably handle “THAT”, but can you really handle the emotional internal backlash that comes with having casual sex. Yeah, I know people say live your life. But does living your life have to include sharing your body or emotional energy with someone who is not trying to be there in the long run?

The cycle of exiting situationships only to engage in activities/behaviors that end up creating avenues to establishing new situationships or sneaky links ones is toxic. During this time, you might be emotionally vulnerable. The people that you are trying to mess around with might not know but you do. I’m not blowing smoke out my you know what here. I used to do this sh*t too.

Ya’ll, I got out of this toxic relationship and two weeks later was in a hotel room with a dude I absolutely adored for years. I wanted nothing more but for this guy to sl*t me out. However, he was in the field of mental health too. I’m on top of him craving every part of him. He looks straight at me, told me how amazing I was then said, “I can’t have sex with you because I know you’ve just went through a lot of trauma.” PEOPLE, I was embarrassed as hell. However, his response to me reminded me that I had promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t try to numb my emotional pain with sex. I love that man for that reminder and always will.

I got lucky. Everybody is not like that. Some people are going to catch whatever you throw at them. That is why you might want to give yourself a little time before you shoot that text or respond to them DM’s. All I am trying to say is, don’t create another problem for yourself by trying to get over a previous problem with unhealthy decisions. 

​Click Here To Read Part 2

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, LMSW

With over 16 years of experience in the field of mental health, Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, LMSW is the Executive Director/Founder of Healing Black Women, Inc which serves as a safe space designed to encourage and promote all forms of wellness/healing for black women. She is a Certified Life Coach and Reiki Master and holds a master’s degree in social work. She served as Coordinator of Diverse Students’ Mental Health and Wellness for Mississippi State University and is the former Director of Outreach for the national office of Mental Health America. She is an established public speaker and has spoken on various platforms/panels with entities such as Eventbrite, Human Rights Campaign (HRC), Austin Black Pride, Environmental Protection Agency, Council on Social Work Minority Fellowship Program, Kaiser Permanente, DC Jazz Festival, and Entrepreneurs’ Organization to name a few. As a Mental Wellness Advocate, Laqwanda has served on the Board of Directors for NAMI Northern VA and RPSV, Inc. Instagram: @Laqwanda