The Pain of Letting Go

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, LMSW 

Executive Director 

2015 MEMORY
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Today, I cried harder than I ever had since he told me. For some reason, it felt like I would be able to just hop onto my computer write some amazing things to say and walk around feeling great. I was wrong. The fact that I was even considering making myself emotionally unavailable for the next year brought me to tears. The saddest thing is I’m not ready to let go of him. I want my memories to remain fresh. I want to laugh when I think about him. I want to smile when I see his picture. I want to carry on the happily ever after I created inside my mind. 

You know, happily ever after, the fake reality where you tell yourself that this is just a temporary thing and what happen didn’t really happen the way you think it did. The fake reality that has the two of you making up somehow and all is forgotten and forgiven. The fake reality that doesn’t have you up in the middle of the night posting to Instagram because you cannot sleep. Yeah, that world… The fake reality that seems great until you realize it’s nothing more than an illusion preventing you from dealing with the fact that you are hurting.
 
Honestly, wishful thinking can become more harmful than reality. Avoiding the pain or ignoring hurt places you in jeopardy of becoming emotionally stuck. So what do you do when reality is painful and you desire to move forward emotionally?  You become completely honest with yourself regarding where you are.
 
Being honest with myself is actually quite easy. I know that in reality, I do not want to face the truth. I just do not want to say out loud what both my heart and mind are already aware of…. ITS OVER With that said there is only one truth that remains, I have no one to let go of because he is already gone. I am only fighting myself, my thoughts, my emotions, my memories, and my heartbreak. Since I am dealing with myself, I need time to myself to emotionally detox. No Relationships. No Dating. For the next 365 days, I am making myself EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. 
 
2020 INSIGHT
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If you have not guessed it, I had enough. I was tired, frustrated and above all hurt. It wasn’t difficult for me to acknowledge my emotions. However, it was very uncomfortable experiencing them.
The initial hurt after any sort of disconnection from someone can be painful. It is during these times we must nurture our emotional selves the best way we can. In 2015, I chose to go on a path called The Emotional Detox Life.

I decided not to date or enter any relationships for a year. This gave me time to confront and manage my emotions without covering them up with a “new face”. Don’t get me wrong here, that year was very beneficial for my life. But that may not be the better path for you. However, I would say consider the following after a breakup.

1. Give yourself time. Yes, we have all heard this before but its important. I know that you want this pain to go away as soon as possible but you must give yourself time to not only heal but to find you again.
2. Have a game plan. When someone leaves your life, there is general some sort of void that has been left. This void is not just emotional but tangible as well. For example, was Saturday night date night? If so, what are you going to do on Saturday to assist with easing your emotions when you are trigger by memories. A plan will help protect you from falling into unhealthy patterns and people. It will also assist in emotional management.
3. Get support or find an outlet. Do you have close friends or family who can support you? Is there a Facebook group with interests that you have? Maybe you are ready to share things with a Life Coach or Therapist. Regardless of the mode of connection, get support. Breakups can be difficult to navigate at times. Although we can get manage things ourselves sometimes, it feels good to know that someone cares.
4. You Are Not Stupid. Regardless of the situation, you still have the ability to make good sound decisions. It may take some time but allow yourself the opportunity to trust yourself again.
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Let Go. This is a simple thought but can be challenging to execute. It took me some time to process everything so that I could move forward. I understand that this is not how you expected things to turn out. However, you have the ability to let go, process and move forward. This does not happen overnight, but it is very possible to get there. 

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, LMSW

With over 17 years of social service experience, Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley is the Founder of Healing Black Women which serves as a safe space designed to encourage and promote all forms of wellness/healing for black women. She is also the Chief Editor of HealingBlackWomen.com. Currently, she works as a Mental Health Clinician and serves on the Board of Directors for RPSV. Most recently, she held the position of Director of Outreach for the National Office of Mental Health America. She is an established/nationally recognized speaker and has spoken on various platforms/panels with entities such as Eventbrite, Human Rights Campaign (HRC), Austin Black Pride, Environmental Protection Agency, Council on Social Work Minority Fellowship Program, Kaiser Permanente, and Entrepreneurs’ Organization to name a few. @IG LaqwandasHeart