When Anxiety Burns My Emotional Soul

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley, MSSW

Executive Director

​There has been a long list of things that I have faced head on in life. Some have been so terrifying to the point that I will never repeat those experiences. Some have tossed me into an abyss of emotions where I laid drowning for years. Yet there has always been one thing that has clawed at me like no other. And that has been anxiety. 

Anxiety has been a ******* to me, I mean every word. There is something about waking up in the middle of the night with the feeling of someone’s foot on your chest that never goes away. It’s the gasping, the uncontrollable crying from the internal screams that refuse won’t come out and the pounding of my chest that sounds like a HBCU drumline when the only thing I did was open my damn eyes.

Stating that I hate anxiety is an understatement. It has always been that thing that served as the hidden thorn in my side. Its main purpose has been nothing more than to torture and bleed my emotional soul. At its worst, it drained my body in such a way that I thirsted for a release. Those forbidden words that people don’t often associate when it comes to anxiety.

As a person who has stood through Bipolar episodes, suicidal thoughts, and psychosis, this dance with anxiety has been agonizingly long and painful. I cannot pinpoint the first moment he embraced me and led me to the dance floor. Initially, he told me that his presence was a good thing. He often whispered that he was only there because of a major project or speaking event. He told me that feeling my heart pound uncontrollably was just him letting me know that danger was near. As time went on, I realized that everything he told me everything he(anxiety) said was a lie. He wasn’t there to comfort me but to make my life hell.

I know you are probably waiting for the part where I say it the anxiety is gone. You want to know the steps that I took to make this bastard of an illness remove itself from my life. Unfortunately, that is far from my reality. Everyday is a roll of the dice when it comes to anxiety. Somedays, it feels as if he and I never met and remained strangers. Other days, it’s like he has thrown me onto the floor and stomped on my chest then holds me captive in bed. Somedays, I can beat him and others I cannot. Somedays, I have the strength to fight and other days not so much.
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This is the dance anxiety invited me and throughout the years I’ve gotten both stronger and weaker at the same time. Sometimes, I don’t have a fancy technique to help or guide me with this. What I do have, however, are memories of what yesterday was like and what last year was like and what 5 years ago was like. And what I know is that for me today is usually better than yesterday. Because no matter how many times anxiety has pulled me onto that dance floor with him, I’m willing to go toe to toe, round to round, blow to blow, with him. I might not win every fight, but he will always remember that I gave my best trying to.  

Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley

With over 17 years of experience in the field of mental health, Laqwanda Roberts-Buckley is the Executive Director/Chief Program & Strategy Officer for Healing Black Women, Inc She is a Reiki Master, Certified Life Coach, and holds a Master of Science in Social Work. She has served in positions such as Coordinator of Diverse Students’ Mental Health and Wellness for a university, Director of Outreach for the national office of Mental Health America, Therapist, and on the Board of Directors for NAMI Northern Virginia as well as RPSV, Inc. She is an established public speaker/mental health advocate and has collaborated with organizations such as Human Rights Campaign and Eventbrite. She utilizes her personal experiences as a suicide attempt survivor and individual who manages Bipolar I Disorder and PTSD to promote mental & holistic wellness.